Hello!!

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my blogpost about the Philippines! Because of how much has happened and my love for detail, I decided to target specific areas in which I want to write about because it is just so much! But, nonetheless, it was all so GOOD and I have decided to post these detailed experiences throughout the month. I also want to take a moment and really thank the people that have invested into me for this trip! Whether that be through donations, prayer, messages, and encouraging words or checking up on me coming back to the states-- it means so much to me! 

For all that this trip was, I have been changed and transformed by Jesus! His love for the world is rich and incredibly beautiful. I have been marked by this trip and the leaders were incredible, in that they trusted every single person to be fully themselves in however the Holy Spirit wanted to do. To be given a platform to be fully myself was so empowering and it was amazing to see the work that Jesus did inside of me and understanding that He wants all of it. ME. He wanted to use my story, my words, my mind, and my body. THAT'S THE KIND OF LOVE WE ARE WORTHY OF.

What I want to write about specifically in this blogpost is the posture that I've had to take while processing this trip. One thing that I learned about myself, aside form the many other things, is that I am an internal-external processor. I tend to think heavily on a situation/feeling and try to deconstruct what it means. In many ways, I would have to either talk about or write out what I have been thinking especially under the intensity that I create for myself mentally. 

Being back in the States after going on a missions trip to the Philippines, I have been able to finally... kind of... almost... sorta... process this trip. I say this with hesitancy because I am still processing it and it's okay. So by means of writing this out, I am trying to process this trip and what it has been like to be back from it. I can say that this process has been very different than other ways that I've had to process things, so much so that I have unintentionally overwhelmed myself emotionally and mentally. I'll unpack what I mean by this more throughout this post.

When we arrived in Redding, after getting back from the Philippines, it was 3AM and I had Revival Group (RG) later that morning. I wanted to beat jet lag, so I thought I'd take a two hour nap and make sure to wake up in order to make it to RG. I woke up, fortunately, and was able to see majority of the people that were in my RG that I realized that I missed them so much that I started crying (again) because I was so happy to see everyone. Almost everyone that I hugged said that they were proud of me and it felt like I was commissioned to go to the Philippines and now, being back, I am here to report what Jesus did! 

I felt so loved and covered by my RG that I felt so safe and continued crying (which is nothing new) throughout the rest of the time we had in RG. I cried, cried, and cried, but I also gave myself permission to feel, which I had unintentionally let myself feel everything, in which I had subconsciously overwhelmed myself emotionally that it caused me to disconnect myself from the trip, thus processing the trip, without meaning to. This thought is key to the breakthrough that I experienced in knowing what to do in light of not only coming back from the Philippines, but as the BSSM academic year ends. 

My leader, Lindsay Coil, said that the last few weeks are going to be some of the most important weeks left of BSSM, which is why we should be present and focused. But I found that I was not as present or focused as much as I wanted to be. I mean, I listened and participated, but there was something that I noticed about myself that even I felt like I wasn't being true to myself about. In a sense, it felt like something was off. This process was so intense that I spent the majority of the week wanting to be with the people, who were on my Philippines team. I even went to my leader's, RG because I just want to be in the same space as her. All the while, I was able to talk about the trip to a few people, which helped.

After a week, I was sitting out in the main lobby of the Civic eating my lunch. Worship was going on in the main auditorium and I don't normally sit outside for worship because it's my favorite place to be in, but I also think the Holy Spirit had something planned. I sat there really not knowing what to do, which I think was a reaction to unknowingly disconnecting myself emotionally. Now, I mention how important my emotional stability is because it's a place in which I interact with the world. I don't want my feelings to be the main source in which I function, nor base by beliefs, but I realize that it's the way I connect with myself.

So I sit there waiting, I guess, until one of the leaders from the trip comes up to me and asks me how I'm doing process the trip. As I describe what I've been thinking, I realize that I actually couldn't put it into words. I cut myself off, couldn't finish a thought, or repeated myself. I have never experienced anything like this and I think my leader realized it, too. Then he said to me, 

Bill Johnson said that when we feel that we can't hear Jesus' voice, He wants us to adjust our hearing. In the same way, I had to adjust my posture in the way God wants me to process this trip. I don't know how long processing this will take, but I know He is right there with me. So if I've talked and shared this process with you, thank you for helping ya girl out! LOL